Painful Memories
by themusicbox
Summary: Jacob tries his hardest to cope over his pain at lossing Bella. As he begins to recover, though, untimely and haunting memories of Bella flood in. Small reminders of her, and signs of a new and "changed" Bella begin to shade his life.
1. Reminders

_/begin._

Jacob's head pounds unbearably. (In addition to his heart.) The pounding is like a fateful blow to his head every time; the pain increasing with each passing blow. His senses dull and fade in some areas, but grow stronger and sharper still in others. A tremor shudders down his back, and he burns with a raging fever.

"Don't, Jacob. Not until you are outside." Billy's voice jolted Jacob from his condition.

Jacob grumbled some profanity under his breath. But Billy left him in peace. He knew Jacob hurt, and he would leave him alone.

Stepping outside, a cool breeze wisps across Jacob's face. He shivers, but not because it is cold. A sweet scent fills the air. It fills Jacob's body with a wave of heartbreaking agony. It was ludicrous to become as troubled as he did. To hurt like this. But the aroma reminded him of the only person who could fill his heart with panic. Yet he couldn't bring himself to think of her.

Or could he? He knew that she_ was_ the only thing he thought of these days. While trying to forget her, she only sank deeper into his heart. Only became harder to forget, easier to remember. Now he had no escape. Every exit was cut off. Changing to his werewolf form was all wrong. He had done that already. He had run as far and as fast as he ever had before. But, now he couldn't leave his thoughts behind, and that meant _everyone _else had to hear his thoughts too.

He walks slowly, gently down to First Beach. The ocean waves crash down. The sound fills his ears. It is a soothing sound. It is a sound that has been his comfort throughout these long days and nights. His room is too small to even just pace back and forth in. The beach has plenty of space; plenty of room for Jacob and his bitter thoughts.

Jacob eyes search restlessly across the beautiful landscape around him. He tries to take in anything he can, anything to distract his thoughts from her. The sand feels cool beneath his burning skin. The plants sway in the wind. And there is the moon shining on the water.

_The moon._

Jacob's always associated Bella _her_ with the moon. The moon and she are beautiful and soft, with ivory-pallid complexion, and lovely detailed features; simple and natural, but alluring and sweet. There was one difference, though. Bella had been within his grasp, and he had let her slip through.

"Bella."  
He forced the words from his mouth. They fell out and he felt exhilaration at the fact that he could still speak her name. For a moment, at least, till the pain hit him again and he realizes that he just did what he meant not to do.

He lowers his body towards the ground and sits. He crosses his legs and sits Indian style.

His thoughts run on carelessly. It all leads back to one thing.

He just sits there, as if waiting for something to happen.


	2. Open Wounds

Weeks pass and Jacob tries his hardest to live life as he had before. _Before everything. _He fills his days with activities to keep his mind busy. This means lots of time in the garage, a surprise visit from his sisters (Billy's arrangement.) And then reluctantly he begins hanging with Quil, Embry, and all the others. At first, Quil would harass Jacob trying to help him. (Or, at least, that was Quil's excuse.) Sam knew this was only a hindrance. He constantly tells the others to leave Jacob alone.

The whole pack suffers desperately with Jacob. Not that they suffer to help ease Jacob's pain. They have no choice. Although Jacob hardly took on his wolf form at first, it is becoming easier for him now. He goes running with the others at night. Sometimes he slips up, thinks of her, and the pain comes again. The others have to share his burden then too. Embry and Sam are helpful. The others just hurt Jacob by expressing their annoyance with his desperate thoughts.

Most nights, when Jacob returns from running with the others, he goes back down to First Beach to be all alone with himself. Tonight he is there as usual.

He sits with his eyelids closed, his breathing rhythmic.

His attentive ears hear the gentle footsteps heading towards him. He doesn't move, he doesn't even open his eyes. He hears someone gently sit down and he feels his/her eyes on him. Jacob takes a deep breath, sighs, and then opens his eyes.

Emily's gentle smile looks sympathetically back at him.

"Hello, Jacob." She says in her quiet voice. Jacob nods his head in answer.

Emily is breathtakingly beautiful in the moonlight. Her soft hair falls over her small shoulders, and her dark eyelashes flutter above her thoughtful eyes.

Jacob starts to get up, "Billy is… probably still awake. Did you need him?" Jacob curiously eyed Emily, wondering why she was here.

_Emily hardly ever comes here… She hardly goes __anywhere__ without Sam.  
_Jacob's confusion is evident in his face.

Emily chuckles softly at him, "I came to see you, Jake."

Jacob looked at her intriguingly.

"I've been thinking…" She starts to say. Her eyes shift over to the side, avoiding Jacob's gaze, "about Bella."

Jacob grimaced at the name. He'd been doing well, but now the wounds were ripped open and bleeding again. Exposed. He was caught in a trap. He had to talk about it; perhaps it would cover those wounds up again; help to heal them.

"Everyone's been thinking about her, with all the thanks to me." Jacob grumbled bitterly.

Emily placed her small hand into his.  
"When she was here, I was able to… talk to her, and we, became close. We shared things and feelings and thoughts that others just don't understand." Emily whispered.

_We shared feelings too.  
_Jacob can't help his thoughts.

"Bella was torn, Jacob. She didn't know what to do."

"Why? Why couldn't she just have stayed?" He pleads with Emily as if she could turn back the time. _Yet, he still knows that she can't._

Emily's eyes always carry a sympathetic look for everyone. But that look deepens even more as she utters her next words.  
"Bella loved you. But she had already given her heart to the cold one. Bella told me she would have stayed with you, if he hadn't come back. But when he did, she couldn't break what was left over of the vampire's heart. Before the cold ones returned, she was desperately afraid you would imprint on someone else. She didn't want to get in your way. She felt like she _was _in your way. That's why she decided to leave."

Jacob's mouth was in his throat. He couldn't have said a word if he had even wanted to.

Emily placed her other hand inside Jacob's, and left a piece of paper, folded over and over, in the palm of his hand.

Jacob stares at the note in his hand. He didn't even notice Emily as she left.


	3. Truth

Bella's note burned a hole inside of Jacob's pocket for the next few weeks. He doesn't have the heart to open it, to read her words. Jacob can't bear the thought of her. His wounds, which had just recently healed, had been ripped open with Emily's visit, and remain exposed and searing out. He was bleeding, and the bleeding just wouldn't stop.

It takes days and days for Jacob to gather the strength to look at that letter. To even take it out of his pocket takes more strength then he ever thought he had. But he does. He is alone, in the garage. Bella's note is splattered with tears, the words are smeared. He forces himself to read her words.

_Dear Jacob,  
I'm sorry to have done this to you. I love you, but Edward is the one I need._

Jacob notices the crossed out words. Was this the truth? He felt some kind of sickening déjà vu. He remembered his note to her, so long ago it seemed, when he had first changed. He could find the right words either. He felt brokenhearted for Bella, and for himself.

_Dear Jacob,  
I ache while I write these words. I cannot think of the right things to say. I love you, but I gave my heart to Edward before. I cannot break what is left of his heart as well. If I leave you, I can make Edward happy. You will eventually find your happiness too. This is the easiest way for everyone. I was just a temporary part of your life; getting in the way of your real happiness. With the Cullen's gone, perhaps you will no longer be troubled. No longer be a werewolf. You could grow up; fall in love with someone who wouldn't be as selfish as I am. Even if that does not happen, with me gone you can finally imprint on someone. __Please forgive me, Jacob._ _No, please __forget__ me. It will be the best thing for you. - Forever, Bella._

Tears clung to Jacob's eyes, tears he had kept back with so much strength before. Finally, he released the tears, and let them fall freely. His heart was sick; broken. He didn't know how it would heal. Forever was for eternity. Forever was a really long time.


	4. Callusing Over

Weeks pass, and Jacob's heart doesn't heal. It doesn't repair, it only calluses over. An unnatural way of healing, but Jacob cannot heal normal.  
_Ironic; I either heals too fast or too slow_. He thinks to himself.

Jacob adjusts to life; he takes it in the way it is. It is alright, it could have been better. It would have been with Bella. He has friends, but no one close. No one so near to his heart that he doesn't have to tell them his secrets; they already know them.

Jacob walks into his room after a long night. A bonfire of enormous size and entertainment had been thrown on First Beach. It was one of the celebrations upheld in honor of Sam and Emily's upcoming marriage.

But as he walks into his room, a mix of a smell all too hated and familiar hits him. Its coldness whips across his face, the smell clings to his body, freezing him. It stirs a revolting feeling within him. Yet something in the smell was is memorable. This was a smell that he had come to love and treasure not so long ago. But the two smells were entwined together; making it all the stronger of a scent.

Jacob tremors, he is uneasy now. He _knows _that scent. He knows the other scent too. But his mind is clouded as a guard he has set up for himself. He walks to his dresser, and places his jacket on the edge. Something white falls on the floor, knocked over by his jacket.

Puzzled, he bends down and picks it up. An envelope. He sees no name, nothing on it. He carefully tears it open. Suspicion is dripping through his mind. There is a small white note in the envelope, but that is not what catches his eye. It is a charm bracelet. The small, shining silver object has two charms on it. One is a russet colored wolf, the other is a heart; the glimmering silver and shattered pieces making up the form of the heart. It is the only thing Bella would have accepted (the only thing she did accept) as a gift on the day of her graduation; his charm bracelet. The gift he had given to her. Amazement now is threading through him. How could she do this to him? How could she reject this last part of him?

He picks up the note, and reads through Bella's dainty handwriting.  
_  
Take care of this; it is all that is leftover of my heart; which belongs to you._

He connects the dots easily enough. Bella had been here, here in his room. But she was not the Bella he had known. The sweet smell was her, but the sickening smell was also her. The two smells intertwined together meant one thing, Bella was a vampire. This charm, delicate, cold and shattered in numerous different pieces was all that was left of her heart.  
_A heart that should have belonged entirely to him._


	5. Exchanging Notes

Jacob begins to get animated.

First, he feels joy; excitement.  
His first thoughts are good ones, "Bella was here?" He is breathless with the prospect.

But slowly he realizes something.  
"Not Bella, not my Bella." He slowly mutters under his breath.  
He grits his teeth and clenches his fists together. Using his thumb, he slowly runs it over his fingers and pops his knuckles, one at a time. It is a nervous habit that has been developing lately. His burning palm clutches onto the charms, almost breaking them. Jacob considers crushing them, destroying them forever.

But something in him won't let him. He wants to be angry, but his fury is being eaten away. He carefully unfolds his hand and then places the charms in a small, brown wooden box on his desk next to his bed.

He takes a piece of paper, and a pen, and scribbles the words meaninglessly.

_Bella,  
I don't understand this. I don't know if I want to see you or not. You can't blame me. Just let me know if you get this. Jacob._

He slipped the note into the small envelope and places it on his dresser.

Jacob was not like Bella. He didn't sink into the zombie state; he had already recovered from that. But he was never going to be himself again. He tried his best to hide Bella's contact with him, but it slipped one evening as the pack was "patrolling".

_WHAT?! She's a bloodsucker?! Jacob, how could you possibly __still __feel this way? Forget her.  
_Leah was harsh with her thoughts and it tormented Jacob. He let out a low growl.

_Back off, Leah.  
_Seth, unlike his sister, was compassionate towards Jacob. He'd fought right by the vampires' side, _right with Edward, _so he did his best to weaken his sister's resolve.

_Stay out of this, Seth! _Leah hissed. _Jacob and I have our own argument on this topic. If he can continue to bother me about Sam, then I can do the same for him.  
_Leah's voice stung like ice.

Quil's thoughts came in next. _I wonder, Jake, perhaps Leah is simply jealous? Maybe she imprinted on Bella herself! _Everything was all fun and games for Quil.

Leah let out a harsh growl, then insulted Quil,  
_At least I didn't imprint on a harmless child. You're perverted, congratulations._  
Leah sneered.

_Enough!  
_

Sam commented for Jacob's sake, as well as his own.

A few days later, Jacob sat down to dinner with Billy, Sam, Emily, and Charlie. Emily often cooked over at the Blacks' house and because no human in the world could resist her cooking, Charlie loved to come over and share a meal (or two). Anything and everything was discussed at the dinner table, with the exception of one very delicate topic.

But (for some strange reason) Charlie brought it up.  
"Ah, Jacob, have you heard anything from Bella?"

Jacob stopped half way between sticking a fork full of food in his mouth, and said the first thing on his mind, "What the f--?" He started, but Billy cast him an ugly look. Jacob flinched and turned towards Charlie.  
"Nope. She doesn't have any reason for talking to _me._"

Charlie raised his eyebrows. "Strange. Bells told me she would most definitely stay in contact." He shrugged.

Jacob gave a silent laugh, but only Sam noticed it.

Jacob noted the strange smell immediately after he walked into his room.  
_She's been here again. _He thought solemnly.

He saw a small note on his pillow, and he picked it up and read it.  
_Jacob,  
Of course I got your note. I can't expect you to forgive me, I __don't__ expect that. I'd never blame you. Just know I'll be around. Bella._

Jacob swallowed, confusion engulfing him.  
He couldn't find a piece of paper, so he wrote on the back of Bella's note.  
_We can't keep just writing notes to each other. I don't know if I want to see you or not, but I can't just keep sensing you, and not seeing you. I can't explain myself, I never can to you. But, how can you just "be around"? Jacob._

He slipped it back into the envelope, and scratched the back of his head. What the hell were they doing?


	6. Imprinting!

Jacob hadn't seen Leah for a few days. Strange. She normally liked to come around and torture him.

Jacob decided to head down to Forks and buy something for Billy. He had been great so far, despite all of Jake's moping. And the shops at Forks were better than the ones at La Push.

He walked into the Newton's shop, and his jaw dropped. There was Mike, and right in his arms was Leah. They were kissing, and saying something that Jacob didn't really care about. They were all alone and… Jake cleared his throat to make his entrance known.

Mike and Leah's heads turned over to where Jacob was standing, and Mike shifted uncomfortably. Leah ran up to Jake, a smile across her face. She was… happy?

"Jake!" She shouted as she skipped over to him. "What are you doing down here?" She was all giddy and excited, and Jacob was surprised she didn't just hug him.

"I was looking around." Jake looked down at Newton, and then back at Leah, "What's up, Leah?" He raises his left eyebrow and drops his right.

Leah's grin stretched across her entire face. She grabbed Jake's arm and pulled him out the front door. They were hardly out of the store when Leah blurted it all out.  
"Jake, I imprinted! On _him_! And it's wonderful, Jake! I can't explain it, but he is everything to me now." She was flushed and shining. And it was effective. A lopsided grin pulled on Jake's face in response to Leah's enthusiasm.

"Well, that's something else." Jacob smiled. He was happy for Leah (finally coming out of her depressed state), but _not_ happy that Leah could imprint after having had Sam. Does that mean he could just walk away from the one person he had loved more than anything on this damn earth? (Well, she's already walked away.) Jacob felt his smile fade at the ugly facts.


	7. Obsession

Bella's return note;

_As much as I wish to see you that will __never__ happen. As I was to Edward, you are to me. Your blood is the most exhilarating scent ever. It remains in my mind even when we are thousands of miles away. And I will never allow that thirst to be quenched. I could never do that to you._

Jacob fingered Bella's most recent note in his hands. The words were perhaps the strangest he had ever heard. His former love (but the one who had never loved him) was his now enemy (vampire), but now _he_ was _her_ obsession and… exhilarating blood? What the hell did that mean? He just wanted to forget it all.

He lifted the bottle of alcohol up to his lips and poured it down his throat. The burning, cold taste suppressed his mind and suffocated the beating of his heart. He'd never really followed the rules. (All the age rules; driving without a license and etc.) But, then again, he didn't quite look like your regular 16 year old, did he? He was really starting to hate all this cruel irony.

La Push was a new place. It was… redeemed in the eyes of the pack. It was like they had all been holding their breath, and they could finally release and breathe the fresh air. No one was perfect, the scars remained, but they all felt the sun coming up and a new day beginning.

Jacob was the only one without a happily ever after ending.

Although he shared in everyone's happiness, they all knew his was lost.

Timeless years passed by, and Jacob watched them. He didn't age, he didn't want to. He would age when he felt that he had something worth living for. And right now, he didn't.

First, Billy died. That struck hard.  
Then, Charlie died. That hurt almost as much.  
He knew what he needed to do.


	8. AUTHOR'S NOTE

Author's note;

Just so you guys know this is my first fan fiction. I've had a couple of reviews, but I would really appreciate some more. I'd like to know what y'all think of **1) **my writing style and **2) **the storyline. Let me know what you think I should do to improve and et cetera! Please, I promise I will be nice, even if you aren't. ;) I have some really great ideas for this story right now, and I'd be really excited if you guys still want to hear them. (: Just leave me a quick note. Thank you so very much. (: - Allyce


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